My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop