God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
next question.
…..pretty much.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough