Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
5 ways to appear taller
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
why am I working on Labor Day
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king