WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
You Might Also Like
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Breakfast for Stoners:
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.