Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
three things we don’t talk about
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”