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Page of RedRegenerated's best tweets

@RedRegenerated : cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn't go down as well as we'd hoped

cab driver: that's too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

@RedRegenerated: me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

@RedRegenerated: Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

@RedRegenerated: her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what's your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

@RedRegenerated: Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

@RedRegenerated: Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with

@RedRegenerated: Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

@RedRegenerated: ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it's just eaten my vegetables.

@RedRegenerated: ME: We've developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

@RedRegenerated: OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.