Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?