Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
You Might Also Like
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Monday
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Weighing up my bread heating options