@RedRegenerated
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
@RedRegenerated
@RedRegenerated
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
@RedRegenerated
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
@RedRegenerated
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
@RedRegenerated
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
@RedRegenerated
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.