“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing