older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.