@Reel2Dialog2

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

@Reel2Dialog2

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

@Reel2Dialog2

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

@Reel2Dialog2

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

@Reel2Dialog2

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

@Reel2Dialog2

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

@Reel2Dialog2

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

@Reel2Dialog2

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.