My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
sistine chapel
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.