[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.