Girl, are you a microwave? Cause I wanna put a baby in you.
I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to “let’s practice your fingering technique”
Wife: that’s never going to work
Husband: you’re so negative, Sandra
W: you’re planting bird seeds
H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.
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I was braised by wild cannibals.
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others
Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.
Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.