“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.