I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
is this meant to deter me
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.