Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.