Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.