Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Nice try, NASA
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.