Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.