James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
But wait…
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.