@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@Reverend_Scott

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

@Reverend_Scott

“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.

“Wait-”

Because-

“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

@Reverend_Scott

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

@Reverend_Scott

[dies and goes to Heaven]

GOD: Hello, welcome to-

ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?

GOD: Right this way.