@Reverend_Scott: [Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
@Reverend_Scott: LUKE: daddy, what's my name from?
ME: it's from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
@Reverend_Scott: when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, "that was a great year". depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they're a time traveler or not.
@Reverend_Scott: Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
@Reverend_Scott: Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren't dying
@Reverend_Scott: GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That's a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude... come on
@Reverend_Scott: DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D... I DON'T KNOW
@Reverend_Scott: It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
@Reverend_Scott: Nurse: how's that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient's chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN