ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’d hang this in my house.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Friends that check up on you >
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa