If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands