@Reverend_Scott

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

@Reverend_Scott

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

@Reverend_Scott

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t