@Reverend_Scott: [God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug 'em, but they usually won't want you to
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
@Reverend_Scott: God: this pie is outstanding. where'd you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
@Reverend_Scott: Wife: our friends won't call us back cuz they're sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
@Reverend_Scott: God: Done
Angel: you can't be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that's a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
@Reverend_Scott: [first date]
ME: Don't let her know you're a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
@Reverend_Scott: [God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug 'em, but you really shouldn't
@Reverend_Scott: my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone's more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there