Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?