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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
#parenting
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When I laugh on my period
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently