‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
You Might Also Like
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Finally
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?