The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
my mind
You just read my mind
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane