Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
She was REALLY feeling it.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.