Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.