[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.