Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Put the is in disheveled
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”