Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit