“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I gave up going to work for lent.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
These 3D printers are insane!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!