βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
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[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and Iβm over here hoping itβs not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! π
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says βNo.β
Her: but why arenβt the candles ON the cake?
Me: itβs not a birthday cake, Denise. itβs a summoning tart.
Of all the things to lose why couldnβt it have been my appetite and not my mind
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: Iβm so excited to be working here. Itβs always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: Youβll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
βCoffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?β says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Iβm fine with you not liking my tweets, as Iβm adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Boss: Itβs a little strange that youβre only sick on Fridaysβ¦
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If I didnβt have kids, Iβd be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Canβt. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.