They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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not to brag, but mine was free
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.