@RidiculousSheri

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

@RidiculousSheri

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

@RidiculousSheri

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@RidiculousSheri

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.