I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.