facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.