My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can鈥檛 run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can鈥檛 help but feel left out鈥t鈥檚 like鈥ome on besties鈥 want to make fun of me too
It鈥檚 so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if 鈥渨hat’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
That鈥檚 me in the corner, that鈥檚 me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat鈥檚 attention
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I鈥檓 happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[first day at the cia]
me: where鈥檚 the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 馃幎 party girls don鈥檛 get hurt 馃幎
boss: that鈥檚 sia
me: i know how it鈥檚 pronounced i work here
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 馃榾
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter