TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family