@RiotGrlErin

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

@RiotGrlErin

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

@RiotGrlErin

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

@RiotGrlErin

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

@RiotGrlErin

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

@RiotGrlErin

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

@RiotGrlErin

i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

@RiotGrlErin

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.

@RiotGrlErin

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family