‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..