Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before