Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Butt weight. There’s more!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”