Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
You Might Also Like
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I love art.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Van Gone
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?