serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You Might Also Like
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.