Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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Driving in Europe vs Canada
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“I wouldn’t.”