@RobElliottComic

Top Gun was so unrealistic

Everyone knows Tom Cruise can’t reach the clutch on a motorcycle

@RobElliottComic

[having sex]

Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!

Her: USE YOUR HANDS!

Me: *raises the roof*

@RobElliottComic

I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…

@RobElliottComic

Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…

@RobElliottComic

*Sets fire to city*

Pppffttt… More like the Roman em-pyre…

-Attila the Pun

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@RobElliottComic

When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”

*Puts on dragon costume

*Waits in bushes

@RobElliottComic

Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…

Bi-son

@RobElliottComic

So everyone knows, it’s frowned upon to yell “Hot potato” when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them

@RobElliottComic

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I need several Ambuli stat!

911: Ambuli?

Me: Yea plural for Ambulance

911: No its not

Me: It should be