ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY