can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?