Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
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A Parenting Story
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
adam and eve had first world problems
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭