Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
May have had one breakfast too many
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars