The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.